Red's Tiny Big problem
by HeavenDemon29
Summary: REDs find a big problem, yet it's small. MY BRAIN HURTS! T for language, blood, gore, violence, and suggestive themes
1. Mission 1: Mannly fight, woMannly prob

RED's Tiny Big Problem

Mission 1: Mannly fight, woMannly problem.

**WAZAAAAAAAAP? Here's my newest story, RED's Tiny Big problem. This is going to be my first NONE crossover story. Apparently, I have a thing for crossover. I dunno, you tell me. DISCLAIMER, PYRO!**

**Pyro: Huh Huddah how huh humph! *This author owns nothing. Otherwise, there'd be no author and instead a director.***

**Lotta words, for a few noises. ONWAAAAAAAAARD!**

"Mission begins in thirty seconds." The woman that always annoyed everyone and commanded them at the same time stated. A large, bald, and fat Russian man with a minigun rolled his eyes, knowing that there were only thirty seconds left. It was on the clock RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! This was Heavy, the tallest member of the RED team. He was supposed to be the guy who draws enemy fire whilst his good friend, the Medic, would heal him. While that happened, he would mow them all down, the little cowards. The Medic in question was a small and somewhat frail German man who wore thin glasses, with his Medigun, which would fire a laser that healed people (?). He adjusted his glasses, visibly nervous. Then, a loud belch ruined the whole moment. He turned and faced the Demoman, a Scottish/African man who was missing an eye, and was armed with multiple bombs on his chest. Not a good idea at all, if you ask me. But he's normally too drunk to care about what other people think. Then another voice yelled, "Yo, Cyclops! That's disgusting!" That was the Scout, who was a kid, plucked from the streets of New York, complete with an accent and attitude. "Ah gotta agree with lil' Speedy thar. Demo, that's just disgusting. Didn't yer momma ever teach you any manners?" The Demo momentarily glared, then rolled his eye, and continued to drink. The person who questioned his mother's level of etiquette was Engineer, a good ol' Southern, friendly kind of guy. He, as the title implied, built devices that played a more defensive role, sentries and dispensers. Get yer head out of the gutter. Then, a tall, thin Frenchman with a mask on, revealing only his dark, chocolate eyes and nose just stated, in a voice like that of a snake's "Gentlemen, you're wasting your breath with that one. It would be like telling Pyro to stop lighting stuff on fire." That idea chilled them to the bone. Pyro was the guy who had one solution to life, "How Hud Huda Huddah How Huh!" that translates to something like this, "Burn EVERYTHING WITHIN THIS PATHETIC WORLD!" To tell him not to burn would be… a death sentence.

They sat there for the remaining time, just waiting for the match to start. Then the announcer proclaimed for them to begin the match, "Begin Mission." They all ran out, roaring their heads off in an effort to scare the opponent. They were all in costumes, to help enhance the fear, as best they could. The Pyro had his demonic set on, the Blazing Bull, a set of false horns over his eye sockets on his gas mask, the Tail from the Crypt, a tail which hangs from his oxygen tank, followed by the Fallen Angel, a set of wings on his back. Next, his melee weapon was the Sharpened Volcano Fragment, a, well, sharpened volcano fragment turned into an axe head. Then his primary was the Backburner, which had a menacing demon head drawn, quite accurately, onto the head of the weapon. His secondary was the Scorch Shot, from his Meet the Pyro video. You know, when he shot Scout in the forehead. Speaking of which, when he becomes… **that thing**, it's merely a randomized mental disorder due to a childhood brain injury. Yeah, that's what I think. The Spy quickly shakes his hand in front of his friend to make sure he's… you know… 'There'. When the Pyro gives him thumbs up, the Spy gives a sigh of relief. Then the Spy grins beneath his mask and hat, Le Party Phantom. Then he ejects his melee weapon, a hidden blade based upon the Assassin's Creed series' trademark weapon. Here it's called the Sharp Dresser. Then he looks at his revolver, the Diamondback, and then he checks his disguises, then halts in place, turns around, and hides in the spawn room, and plays Angry Birds on his disguise kit, which doubles as a cigarette holder. Then the Announcer yells, "GET OUT THERE, SPY!" He jumps, startled, and then runs out of the door.

As the Frenchman runs away, the Soldier, an American patriot with some SERIOUS History issues, laughs. Currently, he's using as his primary the Cow Mangler 5000, which can fire a charged laser that sets things on fire. The Pyro approves. Then, upon thinking for a moment, he takes out his secondary, the Reserve shooter, which takes out airborne targets REALLY easy. He checks to make sure it has full ammunition, and then goes to his melee, the Disciplinary Action, and then whips the Spy in the toushie as he walks by, "Move faster, Frenchie!" Then they both move about 40% faster than before, and switch to their primary weapons. The Soldier tilts up his hat, the Conquistador, so he could see the slaughterhouse he was approaching. The Sniper was pinned down from the BLU team's Heavy fire, so he couldn't provide support to Scout who was hit in the leg by the BLU spy's Ambassador. The Spy approached the RED Scout, and as he begged, "No, please! Don't do it, man! Please don't!" The Spy leaned down and whispered, "I'll make sure your mother won't mourn for long." Then he raises his Spy-cicle, he yells, "AUGH!" and the RED Heavy raises him in the air, and throws him into the ground, and cracks his skull on the concrete. Then the BLU Spy cowers while grasping his damaged cranium. The Heavy pulls out his secondary, the Family Business, and aims at the Spy's head, "I'll make sure your hundreds of girlfriends won't mourn you long." Then he fires, ripping open the Spy's skull, and the blood splatters onto the Heavy's hat, the Dragonborn helmet. He took it off momentarily, and wiped the blood from the horns, and shoves it back on his head. Then the Medic asks, "Did you really mean zhat?" Then Heavy looks at his friend, and says, "Niet. Does it look like Heavy has time for large quantity of women? NO!" The Medic flinches, causing his pet pigeon, Archimedes, to fly off, back to the RED barracks, so that it can feast upon Heavy's spare sandviches. The Heavy then puts his hand on the Medic's head, and adjusts his hat, the Otolaryngologist's mirror. I don't know how to pronounce it either. Then Heavy whoops out his primary, Sasha, his pride and joy, and begins firing away at the 'tiny babies' that dare stand before him.

The Scout, in the meantime, had the Medic put his ankle back into working shape, and then ran of, using his primary, the Force-A-Nature, to pluck at the rivaling Medic's health. He pulled out his melee, the Sandman, and threw the baseball that accompanied it, at the Heavy that was about to attack him. The stunned Heavy lurched back, groaning and grasping his struck and disorientated head. The BLU Medic's eyes went wide in terror, "Oh no." The BLU Heavy swung his arm, and struck the Medic into a steel crate, leaving a Medic-shaped hole in the wall. Using the cease-fire as an opportunity, the RED Sniper got up, raised his sniper rifle primary, the Machina, which can pierce multiple targets, and traced the Heavy, muttering, "Steady, steady…" Then he fired, hitting both the Heavy and the unconscious Medic. When the Heavy dropped, and the Medic was still in one piece, albeit bleeding from a shoulder wound, Sniper growled, and before he could take a second shot, his Razorback, which protected him from a Spy's backstab, went off. He turned around and stabbed the Spy in the stomach with his Bushwacka, which he had taken the liberty of nicknaming, 'The # 1 Bushwacka'. Then, while the Spy staggered back, the Sniper pulled out his rifle, and fired into the Spy's brain. The blood splattered, with the Sniper muttering, "You got blood on me hat." The hat in question was his Trophy Belt, which was pretty much his regular hat, with a small ring of crocodile teeth he himself had been given by his idol, Saxton Hale. The Sniper shook his head, and dismissed those thoughts, and got back to business. He quickly walked down towards the spawn room to get another Razorback.

The Engineer, in the meantime, was somewhat more successful than the Australian sharpshooter. He had set up his sentry, dispenser, and teleporter, got them all to level 3, AND found himself a nice, cozy spot to rest. He sat down, and tilted his Texas Ten Gallon over his goggled eyes, and began to whistle a tune that was on his iPod,

_Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Let me know  
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it  
And we start real slow  
You just put your lips together  
And you come real close  
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Here we go_

(Look) I'm betting you like people  
And I'm betting you love creep mode  
And I'm betting you like girls that give love to girls  
And stroke your little ego  
I bet you I'm guilty your honor  
That's just how we live in my genre  
Who in the hell done paved the road wider?  
There's only one flo, and one rida  
I'm a damn shame  
Order more champagne, pull a damn hamstring  
Tryna put it on ya  
Bet your lips spin back around corner  
Slow it down baby take a little longer

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Let me know  
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it  
And we start real slow  
You just put your lips together  
And you come real close  
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Here we go

Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whistle baby, whistle baby  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby  
Whistle baby, whistle baby  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby

It's like everywhere I go  
My whistle ready to blow  
Shawty don't leave a note  
She can get any by the low  
Permission not approved  
It's okay, it's under control  
Show me soprano, 'cause girl you can handle  
Baby we start snagging, you come up in part clothes  
Girl I'm losing wing, my Bugatti the same road  
Show me your perfect pitch, you got it my banjo  
Talented with your lips, like you blew out a candle  
So amusing, now you can make a whistle with the music  
Hope you ain't got no issue, you can do it  
Give me the perfect pitch, ya never lose it

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Let me know  
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it  
And we start real slow  
You just put your lips together  
And you come real close  
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Here we go

Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby  
Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby

Go girl you can twerk it  
Let me see you whistle while you work it  
I'mma lay it back, don't stop it  
'Cause I love it how you drop it, drop it, drop it on me  
Now, shawty let that whistle blow-oh, oh oh  
Yeah, baby let that whistle blow-oh oh!

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Let me know  
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it  
And we start real slow  
You just put your lips together  
And you come real close  
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Here we go

Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whistle baby, whistle baby

When he was done with the song, he heard the sound of electrocution, and yelled, "SPY SAPPING MA SENTRY!" Then he pulled out his Widowmaker, which requires the metal he uses for building into ammunition, and he aims around nervously for several minutes, and then, when feeling secure enough, pulls out his wrench, and melee weapon, the Jag, and removes the Sapper. When he hears a Spy uncloak behind him, the RED spy taps on his watch three times, a pause, and two more times. The Engineer relaxes. That's the code that he, the Sniper, and the Spy came up with so that they won't attack him when he uncloaks. Then he turns and leans on the dispenser, "What can I do ya fer, Mr. Espionage?" The RED Spy then reports, "I followed the BLU Spy from his spawn to here. Here he is." Then the RED Spy stabs to his right, and on the hidden blade, there is a blue imitation of him. The BLU spy then grins, and then disappears. It was a Dead Ringer. The RED spy mutters, "Damn it." Then he turns towards his friend, "I'm sorry, Engineer. But I have my own work to do. Adios." He then cloaks and disappears. The Engineer grasps his Widowmaker, and looks around, "Confound it all." Then he calms down, sits down, and then leaps up, striking the BLU Spy, who was going to sap his dispenser. He then whoops out the Jag, and cracks open the BLU Spy's skull. For the second time that day, the BLU Spy is dead.

The Demoman and Soldier were on a killing spree in the meantime. They were blowing up everything they could get their hands on. Then when the BLU Pyro was about to ambush them, but before he could, the Demoman dropped his bottle, which contained alcohol. Which is flammable. The BLU Pyro realized how low he held his flamethrower, "Hoh, huh." Translation, "Oh, fuck." Then the BLU Pyro ran right past the two, ignited by his own flames, causing the two masters of explosions to laugh and then stop and blow him up. Then the Soldier whipped the Demoman in the head, "Come on. We've gotta get that intelligence." Then the Scottish Cyclops realized WHY they were there, and yes. He had forgotten why he was blowing stuff up. He forgot why they were there, and then just ran. He then saw the BLU Scout approaching, and picked up his 'bottle o' scrumpy' and ran at full speed, the Soldier following closely. The Demoman then swung his bottle at the Scout, knocking him up like he was on an operating table, right in front of the Soldier, who aimed the Reserve Shooter at BLU Scout's back, and blew him up. Then he walked away, high-fiving his friend and demolition rival.

The Pyro had suffered a head injury, courtesy of a Jarate bottle from the enemy Sniper. See, the thing is this: If the Pyro suffers head damage, he becomes… **the monster**. He then looked, and everything was all kittens and rainbows. Literally. He saw the Sniper as a little cupid baby creature, and upon seeing it in distress stuck in a tree (he saw the Sniper looking in awe at the monster Pyro had become, and was hiding in a sniping tower). Then he climbed the tree, trying to retrieve the Sniper-baby (Was climbing the tower, going to kill the creature). When he got up to the branch, he grabbed the creature, and freed it from the tree, letting it fly. It fell down (He threw BLU Sniper out of the window). When he jumped down, he landed and held a milk bottle high in the air (He landed upon the Sniper's back, likely breaking it, and held up his Scorch Shot, and aiming it at the Sniper). Then he fed the little thing, and it smiled, and flew off (He shoved the gun in the Sniper's mouth, and fired, igniting the BLU Sniper's head). Then the Pyro walked off, to spread more joy and happiness (bring pain and misery to all that stand before him).

The Spy had set his sights upon the BLU Demoman and Engineer, who had heard the Pyro transform, and they were holed up in the intelligence room. He had positioned himself to pull a Batman. He had disguised himself as the BLU Soldier, so the BLU sentry wouldn't attack him, and then he dropped, using a rope to hold himself, and grabbed the Engineer, and disappeared, in a bungee jumping style. He had his hand over the Engineer's mouth to hide his cries for help. The Texan cried for help, and begged for the masked man to not hurt him. But his pleas fell on deaf ears. The Spy raised his blade, and then plunged it into the Engineer's throat, disfiguring his corpse. He then dropped the corpse on a rope, cloaked, and went off to who knows where. When Demoman saw his friend's mouth shaped like…well… what should only be seen in the bedroom, he panicked. The Spy was near, and he hid himself, aiming his Loch-n-Load around randomly, hoping nothing would find him. Then the BLU Engineer ran in, having respawned, and was panting, apparently running VERY fast from having to get to the intelligence room. When the Demo approached him, he knew it had to be a Spy. He hit him over the head with a frying pan, and while Engineer was on the ground, Demoman slapped himself. Then he heard a voice whisper, "Don't hit yourself. I'll do it for you." Then he felt a sharp pain as the surprisingly strong Spy lifted the Demoman at least an inch off of the ground, his Sharp Dresser going straight through the Demoman's intoxicated liver. Then the Engineer had little time to react, he did a side roll, dodging the blade of the Spy, and then he yelled, "SPY SAPPING MA EVERYTHING!" The Spy's reflexes were great enough to expertly sap the entire of Engineer's devices. Then he used the Diamondback's ability to get automatic crits from sapping Engineer devices to quickly dispatch the Engineer, three shots. One to the arm that was about to fire his Lugermorph, two to the leg of the Engineer as he tried to run. The third was point-blank, to the Engineer's brain, with the BLU intelligence upon the firer's back. The Spy dropped the cigar he was smoking, pulled out his disguise kit, and quickly fired off a Red bird in Angry Birds, then pulled out another cigar. He hid himself as RED Pyro to make the enemy want to run, giving him a chance to live longer. He calmly walked out, his Diamondback hidden as the RED Pyro's Scorch Shot. When the BLU Sniper saw the RED menace emerging from the building, he exclaimed, "Oh, FUCK ME!" Despite his insistence upon civility. He jumped out of the tower, into the pool that was nearby. The real Pyro walked right on by, and saw it as BLU Sniper-baby drowning. Naturally, he had to help. He swam into the water, and gave it a glow stick, and the baby floated upwards (dug the Sharpened Volcano Fragment into the Sniper's shoulder, and the body drifted to the surface). Then, he and Spy walked away to turn in the intelligence, and claim victory.

**Later, when the match was declared over, and the intelligence was turned in…**

The REDs were partying hard. They had been on a violent win streak due to the Pyro's… issues. Demoman was… you already know by now. Pyro was playing a mean heavy metal guitar, and he was using Engineer's good guitar. The Texan in question was dancing a jig that Demoman had taught him, during his rare moments of sobriety. The Heavy was using a video chat, and was having a nice, quiet chat with his family back in his mountain mansion in Russia. As it turns out, Heavy just know very little English, but is VERY intelligent, despite what others say. When they do call him stupid, they see the wrong end of Sasha. Meanwhile, the Soldier was swinging his rocket launcher around in a very strict format, which kinda ruined the point of 'party'. The Medic was 'dancing' with Archimedes. By dancing, I mean swinging his finger up and down while the bird is on it, and saying things in German that clearly meant he was happy. The Scout had drunk a whole package of his favorite drink, Bonk! Atomic Punch, and was running on the walls, half naked. The Spy rolled his eyes, and held out his hand, which clothes lined the Scout. Then the Scout went sugar low, and passed out. "About time that boy shut up- Wait a minute, guys. GUYS!" They all stopped what they were doing, and heard a small noise. It was long, and high-pitched. It also was severely familiar, though none of them could put their fingers on it. They followed the sound, and found a crate that was rocking back and forth. The Soldier had SOMEHOW gotten his hands on his shovel, even though weapons were locked down every night. Medic then slowly opened the crate, and found that, underneath the wrappings from the box of Soldier's Cow Mangler 5000, which had arrived that morning, were MOVING. The Medic cautiously moved the wrapping aside, and then everyone gasped. Beneath the wrappings, underneath a 40-something pound laser bazooka, was a baby. The Medic then looked at his crewmates, and said one sentence, "Vwe are fucked."

**My baby cousin gave me this idea when I was thinking of something Team Fortress 2 for this story, then I saw her and it hit me. We throw a baby into the RED team. Well, see ya. CIAO!**


	2. Misison 2: Oh, crud baskets

REDs Tiny Big Problem

Mission 2: Oh, crud baskets

**WAZAAAAAAAAAP? I just wanted to say, even though no one will probably ever comment upon my stories, I thank you for simply taking the time to read my stories, and view my handiwork.**

**Sniper: Now, where'd I put my SMG? Oh, yeah. This bloke doesn't own anything.**

**ONWAAAAAAAAAARD!**

The RED team could only stare in awe at the small, innocent character that gawked up at them. Then it cooed, and Medic lifted it up, with Archimedes lading on his shoulder, watching the baby intently, "ARCHIMEDES! This isn't a snack! Go on! Shoo!" He shrugged his shoulder, forcing the bird to fly to another area. That was Heavy's head. Heavy didn't care though. It had been in his insides, so what does it matter? He continued to stare at the little one who wound up in the middle of the battlefield. Then Spy sarcastically points out, "Well, Engineer. It looks like you're not the smallest of us anymore." The Engineer then shook a fist at the master saboteur, and then asked, "So, whaddya suppose we do with the little miracle? We can't keep him-""HER, Engie. Zhis baby is a vwoman." Then everyone gasped. A baby girl, in 2fort. The most violent place in the world, second only to Detroit. Then the team all began to try and come up with what to say to the Administrator. They knew she would be _pissed_ for this, even though they had done nothing wrong. Then the Scout asks who knows how to take care of a baby, everyone panics. They run around, and run into each other. The Engineer jumped put of the window, followed by the Sniper, then the Demoman. At that moment, the Pyro just face palmed, and then yelled "HUH HOW HUDDAH WUDDAH!" meaning, "I'LL DO IT, YA WASSOKS!" Then everyone else stops, and then looks at Pyro, each other, and then burst into laughter. Then the Pyro says, "Huh hah ho ham huh wuddah wow." Translation, "I used to help my older sister babysit when she was in high school." Then everyone stops again, followed by the Soldier shoving the baby into Pyro's arms, and then he saluted his sociopathic pyromaniac ally, and then said, "All right then, soldier. Your new position, as me and the rest of the team have agreed upon, is that you are babysitter. Good luck and BYE!" Then they all dash out of there like Speedy Gonzales on cocaine. The Pyro just rolls his eyes behind his gas mask, and then looks at the little one, "How, how hud hew het here?" I won't even translate that one. It was too easy. Then the Pyro goes over to his room, which is quite feminine, mainly because he was raised with at least three sisters, two younger, one older. That, and the fact that their father was absent, due to being under life sentence in a drug-crazed violence spree, made the Pyro the girly kind of guy he is today. You honestly thought that RED and BLU would let a woman be surrounded by 8 deadly international mercenaries while being trapped in the middle of the desert? Yeah… riiiiiight.

Back to business, the Pyro then took off his gas mask, a force of habit when he knew he was alone, and revealed a somewhat pale, due to walking around in that mask so long, bright green-eyed man with neatly cut blonde hair. He then locked the door to his room, and then proceeded to cracking his knuckles. He then went through some of his neatly organized material, and then pulled out a fresh, clean pair of underwear. Then he cut said underwear, making it into a small enough size for the baby to wear as a makeshift diaper. Then he realized something, '_This baby's been stuck in a bloody old wooden case for several hours, maybe even days. I think I might need the mask on again._' He then proceeded to re-equip his gas mask, and then took of the baby's diaper. And even though the mask, one could smell the disgusting stench. He then threw the diaper onto the ground, and then pulled out his Manmelter, and then proceeded to disintegrate the day-old diaper. He wiped his forehead, turned around, and went several hundred times paler than normal. The child was gone, right from under his nose, '_Okay, think. A naked baby could only get so far._' He then checks the door, and when he sees it's not unlocked, he breathes a sigh of relief. That means he only has to look through his- "HOH HIT!" Oh, shit. The air ventilation shaft is open. Then the Pyro hears giggling, and then runs out of his room, and starts to follow the pipe, and throws his axes, trying to crack it open. Then the Pyro jumped up, grabbed his axe, and wrenched it out of the area it was stuck in. When he ripped it out, the baby then fell into his arms, "Now, vhat is she doing out here, IN ZHE NUDE?" The Pyro jumped up, and turned around, being greeted by the Spy. "Hoh, huh… hoh, huff he." Translation, "Oh, uhm… oh, fuck me." Then the Spy gave off a light chuckle, and then said, "Don't worry. My parents said I uzed to do zhe same thing. Let's talk to zhe Engineer about zhis… problem of hers." The Pyro then held up his index finger, and then ran into his room, quickly putting the makeshift diaper on her. Then they went over to the Engineer's room, which also was where he had pretty much all of his blueprints for new items. He was currently working on something that had a sentry look to it, but more of a horizontal structure, like a dog. Then he turned around when he heard the mechanical door open up behind him, "Hey there, fellas! What can I do ya fer?" The Spy then looked at his scientifically gifted comrade, "Zhe Pyro vill need assistance in keeping zhis child under containment. She… well… is like moi. A professional escape artist. Ve vill need somezhing big to keep her under control. A specially designed cage, one that should have automatic feeding and watering. Ve will not be able to care for her in battle, and your assistance vill be gravely necessary." Long story short, the Engineer temporarily stopped his current project, and began to work on a containment system that would keep the little 'Spy-baby' under control.

The Pyro then proceeded to go around to others, asking for their assistance as well. The Heavy had decided to let her play with Sasha, the Spy himself providing surveillance (an excuse for him to stay out of battle and play Angry Birds on his disguise kit), the Scout had agreed to toss his baseball, the Medic had decided to take some of the water in the area, and give it some chemicals that would make the child sleep more, meaning a smaller chance of ninjary. Then, the Soldier agreed to guard the armory, and make sure the child doesn't touch the weapons, especially not his. Next, the Sniper agreed to take care of… excretement… for his Jarate. The Demoman, instead of helping, set up a ton of sticky bombs near his stash of whiskey, "Ah'll blow the lit'le cretin to bloody hell if she touches me scrumpy." And he meant that, no seriously. The Pyro had to deal with feeding the little one, and is in fact, quite literally the only competent cook in the whole of 2fort. Not one of the BLUs could cook for shit. The Pyro, while making food for the little one, chuckled and held his head high.

Several hours later, the Engineer finished the '2fort cradle 1000', and placed the child inside of it, to see how she liked it. All she did was giggle, crawl around for a while, and then fall asleep. The Medic grinned in delight when he realized that the special 'knock-out' chemicals weren't lethal, unlike his other attempts before coming across RED. That's a horror story for another time. He simply gave the child one last look, and then walked out of the Engineer's room, which is where the cradle was kept. The Engineer was fast asleep, having tired himself out from all of his hard work. The Medic then walked right by the com room when the Administrator called, "RED Team, REPORT!" The entirety of the RED team ran out of their bedrooms and reported, "GOOD EVENING, MA'M!" The Administrator then rolled her eyes, and then stated her new assignment for them, "You nine are to keep a close lookout around the entire area. Our security cameras have noticed an intruder who doesn't have a body tracker implanted. If you happen to find this intruder, you are to bring them in immediately." The team's thoughts instantly went to the baby, '_They have her on camera!_' They realized, and then they all replied with a simple, "YES, MA'M!" Then the Administrator dismissed them to bed, and then cut off the communication. The instant the communication went out, the REDs started to panic, "Vhat if zhe intruder is the reason that the little one's here? Zhat vould explain a lot." The Spy thought it the most logical explanation, and the others agreed, "But why would a person drop a baby in the middle of a warzone?" The Scout questioned, somehow being the only one who noticed that flaw, "Well, it WAS in my Cow Mangler 5000 box. Maybe the child was with a person who was near the box, and used her Spy stuff to sneak in there, and the intruder's just a coincidence?" "Huh, heh hoh hom heep." Meaning, "Hey, let's get some sleep." Nobody was able to argue with that logic, and they all went to sleep, hoping that tomorrow they would wake up, and they would be able to survive.

**Well, it looks like the RED team's all… *puts on sunglasses* tucked in. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EAH! Ciao!**


	3. Mission 3: It's Raining Blood

REDs Tiny Big Problem

Mission 3: It's Raining Blood

**WAZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP? I decided that I might as well work as fast as I can, since I want you all to enjoy this as much as possible. DISCLAIMEEEEEEER!**

**Scout: This douche doesn't own anything!**

**WHY YOU LITTLE! *Strangles Scout, Homer style* ONWAAAAAAAARD!**

The RED team awoke like how they normally do, with the Soldier up first, sipping his coffee, the Medic up next, awoken by Archimedes, then the Scout, followed by the rest of the team in random order, with the Demoman always last, with a major hangover. The Engineer came in, wheeling the baby's cradle in. "Ah think we should give the little gal a name." Then the Soldier did a spit take, the Scout choked on his eggs, the Pyro tripped, while he was walking away to eat in his room, the Demoman dropped his whiskey. When they all recovered from the shock, the Scout spit out, "Whaddya think we are? The parents? In case you've forgotten, we're living in a war zone. We don't have enough time to-""ALERT! BLU SPY IN THE BASE!" The Soldier does ANOTHER spit take, and then yells, "A BLU SPY IS IN THE BASE?" Then everyone jumps up, goes to their weaponry, and then run towards the intelligence room. The Engineer halts himself, and then sets up a sentry next to the cradle. Then he smiles at the little miracle contained within the cradle, and runs off.

The Pyro reaches the door first, and he pulls out his Detonator, and he looks to the Heavy, who had just appeared next to him, "Ho hah, hew ho hur." Translation, "Ok, you go first." The Medic gets the message and begins healing his trusted Russian ally, overcharging him. Then the Heavy puts his Brass Beast on his back, cracks his knuckles through the Fists of Steel, and then punches the door down, revealing an intact, and present, intelligence. "Well, zhat vas a vaste of time." The Medic notes. Then the Heavy simply chuckles, and pulls out his Sandvich, and chews on the deliciousness stuffed between two slices of bread. The Sniper then appears, and with the Spy right behind him. Then the Pyro walks over, and tweaks both of their noses. The two cringe in pain, but don't turn into the BLU Spy they're all looking for. The Sniper goes up to the Sniper post to look in case any enemy wants to aid the snake that's slithering in their barracks. The Pyro then decides to sit himself down at the chair, protecting the intelligence with his life. The Heavy and Medic run out and start performing their basic patrol route that they had gone over. The Demoman and Engineer start to set up defenses outside of the intelligence room. The Engineer then realizes that he left his sentry and the cradle in the lounge, and his 'Engineer sense' tells him something, "SPY SAPPING MA SENTRY! AND THE CRADLE!" He then goes at light speed, followed by everyone else when they heard that the baby was in danger. The Soldier rocket jumps himself through the halls. The Pyro Detonator jumps his way to the lounge room, followed by the Spy and Sniper.

When the entire team arrives, their hearts hang heavy. The cradle is open, and the baby's missing, as well as the sentry reduced to a pile of scrap, "Looking for zhis?" Then everyone turns around, and see the BLU Spy holding up the baby, with his Ambassador towards its tiny head. Then the BLU Spy proceeds to ask questions, questions that make everyone VERY nervous, "Vat is a baby doing out here in 2fort? None of you happened to… dare I say… KIDNAP zhis little one? I wonder how zhe Administrator will react to zhat tidbit of information." The RED Spy then calls out, "YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO SPIES EVERYWHERE! SPIES ARE SUPPOSED TO SAP SENTRIES, SLEEP WITH THE ENEMY SCOUT'S MOTHER," "HEY!" "BACKSTAB ENEMIES THAT ARE TOO STUPID AND SLOW TO REACT, AND NOZHING MORE! YOU ARE THREATENING A BABY! A BABY! You should be ashamed!" The BLU Spy then starts laughing, "AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! I didn't know zhere was a code of honor! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then he straightens up, and aims the gun at the baby's head again, "You know vhat I want. Give me zhe intelligence, and I give you zhe baby. Don't go after me, and I keep it a secret." Then the Pyro shoots a look at the Demoman, who nods and aims his sticky launcher. He fires at an angle, hitting near the BLU Spy's feet, and sets off the bomb. The BLU Spy is knocked down, while the baby's flung through the air, with the Scout catching her via double jump, "I GOT HER!" Then the BLU Spy looks up, and then finds himself looking down the barrel of a brass minigun, "Oh, fu-" BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEE! CHACHACHACHACHACHACHACHA! The BLU Spy's face is filled with 400 thousand dollar bullets and the Heavy roars as he unleashes his rage upon the stupid little man. "RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" When he is finished, he breathes heavily, and looks at the bloody mess on the wall and floor. The Engineer then looks at the little one, who had started crying when the minigun went off, "Shhh… It's alright now…" The RED team understood exactly how great the burden the child would represent.

It had been a few hours since the incident with the BLU Spy, and the match was in full swing. The Spy had been mad-dogging his BLU counterpart, in an effort to make him suffer as much as the RED team did, and then more. The Engineer had left the cradle, now repaired, in the intelligence room, so he could keep better track of the girl, who they had agreed to name Madison. The child had been extremely quiet, mostly since the Medic had knocked her out with more of his knockout chemicals, which he put in Scout's Mad Milk, which, when not used as a weapon, actually tasted pretty good. The RED Engineer then grinned as the BLU Scout ran in, using his Bonk drink to go through most of the defenses. It ran out the moment he approached the sentry, which then blasted his tiny body into even tinier pieces, "Just a dead little jackrabbit." The Engineer said to no one in particular. While he sat back, he was working on designs for another kind of sentry, one that could be fully mobile. He called it, the 'Mannly Mutt-chine', and it was simple, for a scientific genius. In its first stage, it was a tank like vehicle, with the level 1 sentry turret. Second level, it had the level 2 sentry turret mounted between its set of caterpillar legs, which allowed it light jumping. Third, it grew a missile launcher tail and a jaguar-esque form, with a single camera lens as an eye. However, it wouldn't be a walk in the park. It needed to take quite a while to build, another long time to transform after an upgrade, and STILL it took some time for him to design the wrench that would accompany it. Before he could work any more on the plans, the RED Scout ran in with the intelligence, and whooped in victory, and requested a high five from his overly intelligent ally. The Engie had to grin, and slammed his hand into the Scout's. Then the Scout dashed to the cradle, lifted up Madison, and gave her a hug before removing himself from the premises.

The Pyro was in wait, positioning himself for the ambush. He knew the prey had come straight into his trap, "Surprise!" The BLU Spy aimed his knife, and then, "AUGH!" When he dropped, there was the RED Spy, wiping blood off of his suit, "You got blood on my suit, asshole." Then the BLU Spy, still alive, tried to call for help, "BLUs! I REQUIRE ASSISTANCE! PLEASE! NO! DON'T DO IT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Then his head dropped, and the cold grip of death he barely evaded as he reappeared in the respawn room. The Pyro and Spy high fived each other and the Spy disappeared, attempting to position himself for another assault upon the enemy. The Pyro just stayed where he was, then fired off his Degreaser, igniting the Medic and Heavy who had attempted to respond to the calls of the BLU Spy. Then, before the BLU duo could activate Ubercharge, the Pyro hit the Heavy with his Third Degree, an axe that zaps all connected by a Medic's chain healing ray. Then he swung the axe into the ankle of the Medic, and hit the Heavy in the same spot. The Heavy then turned, and used the Killing Gloves of Boxing to crack the Pyro's skull open. Big mistake. The Pyro got up, a sadistic look behind his mask. The medic and Heavy looked at each other, knowing that it's never a good idea to hit the Pyro in the brain. "Do You Believe in Magic?" "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

The Pyro then skipped away, humming a different tune then the one that normally plays, possibly due to the fact that Madison had affected his mentality,

_Come to negotiate, eh, have you, you slimy git,  
Look what I've got..._

I've got a jar of dirt  
I've got a jar of dirt  
I've got a jar of dirt  
And guess what's inside it

The RED Sniper then muttered, "The Pyro seems to be acting a bit strange...  
er..."  
_  
I've got a jar of dirt  
I've got a jar of dirt  
I've got a jar of dirt  
And guess what's inside it_

The BLU Pyro, "Is the jar of dirt going to help?  
If you don't want it, give it back."  
Then the RED Pyro shot him, "No!"__

I've got a jar of dirt  
I've got a jar of dirt  
I've got a jar of dirt

The Pyro then shouted, "Enough!"

As the Pyro finished singing, still in Pyroland, he heard a door. Then he returned to normal, and was face to face with the enemy intelligence room. He then decided to act like he was still in Pyroland, grabbed the briefcase, and skipped off. He wondered how he skipped as high as he does in Pyroland, while still holding all of this heavy equipment. The BLU Sniper, not wanting a repeat of yesterday, decided to put a bullet in the RED Pyro's brain, "And vat do you think you are doing, little man?" He then halted, amazed at how well the Heavy could sneak, and turned around, looking down the barrel of the Brass Beast, "Oh, bugger."

The Pyro then looked at the sound of a minigun, then looked back, shrugged, and ran through his base, intending upon getting back to the intelligence room ASAP. When he did arrive, he saw the BLU Demoman, and Spy, with sappers on all of the Engineer's tools, and the cradle. The Pyro was so angry, he ALMOST went to Pyroland. But he wanted to make sure he REMEMBERED their suffering. He then aimed his Detonator, and fired a shot into the Demoman's shoulder, and the bombs on there. The BLU looked at the area hit, gasped, and exploded, leaving nothing behind, and knocking the BLU Spy towards the cradle, bashing his brain against it. The RED Engineer then proceeded to step on the Spy, and removed the sapper from the cradle. When he finished, he looked at the stupid little Frenchman under his heel, stepped back, and used the Teufort Tooth Kicker. When he was done, he just glared at the now toothless Spy, and said, "That's what it was made for." Then he pulled out his guitar, plucked a few strings, and then killed the Spy with it. Then he started to set up his other machines, and the Pyro dropped off the Intel, and got into position for another ambush.

The Soldier shot the Spy as he tried to walk out of his spawn room, "There are no words to describe HOW MUCH I HATE FRANCE RIGHT NOW!" Apparently, everyone still hated the Spy from the morning, and never would stop. The RED Demoman, using his One Thousand and One Demoknights, then rushed up, and chopped the BLU Medic in the shoulder. Then he and the Soldier met eyes, and smiled in their friendly way. The Soldier took out his Righteous Bison, and began to incinerate the incoming enemies, while the Demoman used his shield to move himself down the corridor towards the Intel room. The Demoknight raised his shield as the BLU Scout hit him with the Boston Basher, and replied with a swift Persian Persuader to the gut. The BLU Scout was to thin for the hit to be successful, and hit the Demoman in the back of the head, causing bleeding. The Demoman kicked the Boston native between the legs with Ali Baba's Wee Booties, and then decapitated the incapacitated Scout. Then he walked right into the path of the BLU Soldier's rocket forcing him to pull back, "AH, CRIPE!" Then he got an idea, despite his current lack of sanity. He then proceeded to run along the wall via the shield dash, and grabbed onto the red pipe on the ceiling. He began to Spiderman with it, until he was right above the BLU, and dropped. He was about to stab, when the enemy BLU pulled out his Market Gardener, and then headbutted the drunken Scotsman. As he did, the black Scottish Cyclops groaned in agony, and wildly swiped with his blade, managing to nick the Soldier in the arm. But before the BLU could aim his rocket launcher, he's blasted by the RED Soldier. The American patriot cries out, "If anyone's gonna hurt that Scotsman, it's gonna be me!" Then he grabs the Demoman's shoulder, and steadies his explosion buddy. The two then proceed to go into the Intel room, and then get back when they realize that there's a sentry in place there. Fortunately, the Soldier's got Tank Buster on, so he jumps out, firing his Black Box, and yells, "TANK MISSILE!" When he does, the rocket collides with the rockets that are fired from the sentry, forcing them to collide. As the sentry tries to aim for its now invisible target, the Demoman runs in, and grabs the Intelligence, and he just RUNS. He uses the charge to escape the room with his explosive weapons buddy, while the Soldier further imitates Tony Stark, firing more Tank Missiles, and blowing everything up.

The duos made it to the sewer beneath the base, and encountered the BLU Heavy and Medic, both scowling, and were NOT going to allow the two to escape with that Intel. The Heavy yells, "CHARGE ME DOCTOR!" Then the Medic sadistically grins, and then pushes the switch, and the Heavy erupts into a blue coating, and then he feels bullets in his side. He looks and sees the RED Heavy and Medic, ubercharged and firing as fast as they can, intending to cover the Soldier and Demo as best they could. Both Russian giants roar, and approach the other, still firing into the other's belly. They are in each other's face, yelling and screaming, still firing Brass Beast and Natasha. The Soldier and Demo escape while the enemies are preoccupied with their ally. They make it back into their own sewer, and see the RED Scout run out, who then complains aloud, "COME ON! I wanted to snatch that Intel!" The Soldier just tassels the Scout's hat, and says, "Maybe next time. But for now, let's-OUGH!" He falls, and a Spy-cicle is in his stomach. The BLU Spy just grins, and aims his Ambassador at the Demoman, intending to blow open his drunken brain. He pulls the trigger, grinning as the RED Demo's brains open up, and flies into the sewer. As he prepares to take the Intel back to base, he hears a gun at the back of his head, "Put down zhe intelligence, and I vill spare your pathetic life for now." The RED Spy had aimed his Big Kill, intending to do to the Spy what the Spy did to the Demo. He pulls back the hammer, and fires when the BLU Spy doesn't obey his command. The BLU Spy ducks under the bullet, ignoring the ringing in his ears, and turns, prying the Spy-cicle from the Soldier's body, and he tries to stab the RED Spy in his open belly. The Spy counters with his own weapon, the Conniver's Kunai. He then twists, and gets into backstab position, but before he could, he receives a bullet in the head. The BLU Sniper is there, with his rifle aimed. He lowers it, and then motions for the BLU Spy to take the Intelligence and run. He turns around, and sees the RED Spy in his face, Conniver's Kunai in his gut. The Sniper dies, saying, "Ah, piss." Then the Spy throws his Kunai at his doppelganger, and then readies his Big Kill, with the Dead Ringer hidden behind his back. The BLU Spy fires his Ambassador, and curses the cooldown period on the weapon, before aiming around, hoping he would get to shoot the RED Spy. He shrugs, looks down. The Intel's not there. He then yells VERY LOUDLY, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUU!" The RED Spy chuckles and runs as he passes the RED Demoman, who wanted to go solo for now. He fires his Grenade Launcher, and it blows open the BLU Spy, who was under the disguise of the RED Heavy. The RED Spy enters the RED Intel room, and drops off the Intel. The Administrator announces, "VICTORY FOR THE RED TEAM!" The REDs shout and whoop in victory, as the BLUs begin to curse their own dumb luck.

**That night…**

The REDs hold another victory streak party, and then they hear the Administrator, who proceeds to congratulate the REDs on their win streak, "Ah, it was nothing." The Scout brags, "Tiny babies could not stand up to BIG RED MEN!" The Heavy flexes his muscles to make a point, "Zheir defenses vere weak; our victory was inevitable." The Spy puffs a cigarette, and then pulls out his disguise kit, and plays Angry Birds. Then the Administrator smiles as the others brag of their victory, and then everyone tenses. The Administrator NEVER smiles, so either their in for something BIG, or she's really happy. The former is certain. The latter? Not in a billion years. The Administrator then says, "Then I hope you won't mind it if you are relocated. RED needs you elsewhere." All of their jaws drop, and they begin to shiver at the news. They then simply nod, and the Administrator says, an air of annoyance surrounding her, "And, due to your success streak, you will be given new weapons to accommodate this… promotion, in a way." Then they hear nine boxes drop, and they rush to the items, checking out the new toys.

These items I made up for this fan fiction alone. They are not available content, as far as I know. The Heavy got a new minigun that was more of a Space Marine rifle (YouTube inspired, Heavy Space Marine), the Sasha 1000. The Scout got Bonk! Lightspeed, which increases the user's speed by several hundred times, and you go faster the more health you have to sacrifice. So, make sure that a Medic overcharges you first, and you'll reach maximum speed. The Soldier got the Beamer, a light saber that leaves a burn that forces bleeding. The Medic got the X-shape, a Medigun with a small X-shaped design at the base of the barrel. Instead of an Ubercharge, when you alternate fire with this weapon, it releases a pod that will float above where the Medic deploys it, and heal everyone in the vicinity, but be warned, it CAN be sapped, and you'd best have an Engie in the area. The Demoman received the Electro-popper, which is a sticky launcher that sends an electric wave along the sticky bombs, which disables enemy technology, like sentries; sappers; X-shape's healing pods, and other stuff. The Pyro received a new flamethrower, the Idiot Ignitor. It's a longer range flamethrower, but the afterburn doesn't last as long, and its damage stacks the more you hit a single opponent. The flames don't penetrate, either. The Spy obtained the Afterimage, which is a watch that leaves a copy of the user at least fourteen feet away, and the copy follows your actions, so it could give you away. It does make a good Sniper target, though. The Sniper, speaking of which, got his hands on the All-Seer, a sniper rifle that can see through thin cover (GET YER HEAD OUT OF THE GUTTER!) The rifle is capable of moving through non-living substance, meaning that the Sniper can hit enemies through cover, or keep track of them. Its charge time's horrible, though. As in, several minutes for one charge shot. The ammo count doesn't do it any good, either. Back to business, the Engineer got the Anti-E.T, a shotgun that, "Specializes in bringing pain to anything that doesn't originate from Earth", as well as being able to drain ammo from whoever it hits and turn it into metal for the Engineer. The Administrator then says, "Well, I think that's all. I want you to report to the RED convoy at oh' seven hundred sharp. Any longer, and I WILL become angry. Dismi-""Uh… Ms? Ah hope y'all don't mind, but I did make some designs, and I wanted you to see 'em. Maybe we could use 'em to kick them BLUs asses to Kingdom Come with them?" The Administrator rolls her eyes, and says, "Fine. Just fax them to me. If I think they're battle worthy, I will put in a request to Saxton Hale." The mention of Saxton Hale momentarily made the Sniper jump, and then remembers that Australia's idol isn't there. The Administrator then says, "RED team, dismissed." Then the broadcast ends, and the REDs sit down, toying with their new tools, not knowing that the Administrator is currently giving a similar, but opposite, speech to their sworn enemies, the BLUs.

**The next morning…**

The REDs got up three hours early to insure their being ready for the Convoy, as well as set up a plan for how to get Madison on board. The Medic gave the idea that the Engineer make the cradle hide itself as a large suitcase, and it could have air holes. When the Soldier brought up the possibility of Madison's crying, they all looked down, disappointed. The Scout says that the Heavy could hide her in his shirt, that way she wouldn't be seen, and if she was heard, he could say it was his stomach. They all actually agreed, and since the Heavy takes the most damage, a torn shirt would mean NOTHING! It was an idiot proof plan, made by idiots. Oh, boy.

Two hours later, the Heavy had altered his shirt enough so he could hide Madison in it, and the Engineer had set up a small kit that had all of Madison's stuff in it that the Heavy would carry. The rest of the team packed their stuff for them.

**One hour of packing later…**

The RED team sat there, a pile of weapons present, and a slightly bulging Heavy sat next to the other eight. Then the Convoy arrived, and they put their weapons into each classes 'weapon slot'. Apparently, they would have to sort out the weapons themselves.

Later, they were on the train, and the Administrator wasn't present, so the REDs set up the cradle, and unloaded Madison from Heavy's shirt, which now had a pile of drool inside. The Administrator sent a vocal message, stating that the train ride would last three days, and that the BLUs had intercepted them, and was trying to steal the precious cargo that RED company had onboard. Then she stated that the REDs should do the same. The REDs looked at each other, nervously, and then went through their weapons, ready to take on the incoming BLUs.

**AY YAY YAY! Well, here's the new chapter. I hope all of you will have the heart and goodwill to stay with me on this. I also am hoping that at least one of you might take the weapons into consideration, and get them working in the Steam Workshop. That would mean so much to me. Ciao!**


	4. Mission 4: Really Bad Travel Agent

REDs Tiny Big Problem

Mission 4: One Horrible Travel Agency

**WAZAAAAAAAAAAAAP? Here's the fourth mission of REDs Tiny Big Problem. I Hope y'all enjoy. ENGINEER!**

**Engie: Y'all know what I don't understand? Why these people think that if all of you li'l authors don't put this up, they think y'all are claiming ownership. It's FANFICTION! Fer crying out loud-**

**ONWAAAAAAAARD!**

"RUN COWARDS! RUUUUUN!" The RED Heavy roared as his Sasha 1000 fired across the bridge connecting his Convoy and the BLU team's. He grins, and then aims up before the BLU Scout can use Bonk! Lightspeed to get the jump on him. The buff Russian grins as the thin Bostonian drops to the ground, and he reincarnates again. Then, he hears the RED Medic yell, "HELP!" Heavy turns, and sees the BLU Spy, with the RED Soldier's Bright Blazer searing a hole through his chest, narrowly saving the RED Medic from imminent death. Then, the RED Demoman fires off a few sticky bombs, and then runs across the bridge, yelling, "NO MERCY, YA PANTY-WEARING BATH-TAKING LILLY HUGGERS*!" Then the Demoman activates the bombs, electrocuting the Engineer's sentry, therefore disabling it, and giving the perpetually drunken Scotsman time to fire his grenades down the tunnel, and tearing up the inhabitants of said tunnel. Demoman grins, and then his eyes go blank as the BLU Spy rips his knife out of his body. The BLU then runs off, in search of more prey.

While he does that, the RED Pyro grins behind his mask, which makes no effort to give away his thoughts. The RED aims his flamethrower as best he can, and unleashes high-end technological hell upon the BLUs arse. As he runs off, coated in flames, the Pyro quickly turns, and digs his Backscratcher into the unfortunate Sniper who dared to attack him. The Sniper gasps for air, even though the weapon penetrated his lungs. The Pyro then aims his shotgun at the Sniper's head. He fires, unleashing the gray matter across the entire deck. The BLU Demoman is blinded by this material, and runs off of the edge. Of course, he was already drunk, and was going to anyways. Then, the Pyro gives the incoming RED Scout thumbs up as he swing by, but then gasps as the boy is knocked off. The Pyro facepalms, and gasps AGAIN when he sees that the red-draped Boston boy is KEEPING UP with the two freight trains. He then jumps onto the BLU Convoy, and begins to climb up it, towards the engine room. The Pyro smiles, and then says through his communicator, "Huh hah, Huddah huh!" "Good job, little guy!" The Scout shouts back, "YEAH! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT HOW SMART I AM! TAKE DAT, YA STUPID TEXAN!"

The Engineer snarls upon hearing this, and then shouts, "BOY! YOU BETTER WATCH YER MOUTH! CUZ I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO DISABLE THAT DURN THING!" Then he just chuckles, and says, "Come around, to me. You too, Spy." The Spy in question was prepared to backstab the BLU Heavy, because he was giving the Sniper trouble. He then just groans, and says, "Give me a minute." He stabs the overweight Russian, and then uses his cloak, with his decoy making the BLU Medic misfire enough for the Sniper to get out from cover, and send the opposing Medic's head rolling in the dirt between the Convoys. The Sniper grins, and then he frowns. He heard someone ring the bell he set up, but no three taps, pause, and two taps. He swings around, and chucks Jarate, and then stabs the target. The BLU Pyro wasn't quick enough. He lifted the corpse, and then chucked it out of the Convoy's crow's nest.

The Spy extends his hand, and lifts up the teenage trash talker. Then he looks at the Engineer, and says, "Well, you brought us here. Vat do you want with us, toymaker?" The Engineer grins, and then says, "Frenchie, give Scout one of yer sappers. I've got a plan, and it involves that sodie pop." The Scout has a look of pure fear, realizing what the Engineer intends for him to do, "Nuh uh! NO WAY! You can make me run from a flamethrower wielding… FREAK! But YOU WILL NOT! I repeat, WILL NOT! MAKE ME PUT ONE OF THESE THINGS ON A MACHINE! THAT'S SPY'S JOB! LET ME JUST WHACK THE THING! Please, please please?" The Engineer smacks the (somehow) taller then, and then points towards the enemy Convoy, "You will drink that sodie pop shit, and you WILL run into that engine room. And you WILL put that sapper on. And you WILL do it without hesitation. One moment, please." He turns around, and shoots the enemy Spy with his shotgun, therefore taking away his ammunition, and he uses that to take his Teleporter to Level 3. Then he turns around, "Or you get NO MORE of that Bonk stuff. Are we clear?" The Scout looks around, and then drops his head in defeat, "Fine, fine." Then he turns around, and says, "HEY, DOC! Would ya mind overhealing here?" The RED Medic motions for his minigun totting ally to cover him. The Heavy complies, and watches in amusement as the Medic launches a small probe that hovers in air, and fires multiple healing lasers towards its master and his comrades. The Scout drinks the radioactive soda, and then shudders as the soda steals away all of his life, leaving only a sliver left. Then he prepares, holding onto the Spy's sapper as tight as his feeble hands can. Then, he runs, and fast. He goes straight off of the Convoy, and circles around, getting into position for running straight up to the engine room. He does so, but is cut off from his path by a similar, but somewhat shorter, BLU blur, "Oh, yeah? Two can play at that game!" The BLU Scout swings his bat at his doppelganger, intending upon leaving him in the dust. The RED Scout can't change weapons, because he'd need to drop the sapper. He gets an idea, and slows down, getting FAR behind BLU Scout. Then, he accelerates again, watching as everyone else is in slow motion. He runs up, and right into the window of the engine room. He then closes the window, and says into his microphone, "YO! I'M HERE! WHADDYA NEED ME TO DO?"

His RED allies wait for ten minutes, keeping a solid defense. Then the Engineer hears something on the radio, something that's very fast and annoying, "YO! I'MHEREWHADDYANEEDMEFOR?" The Engineer smacks his face, and then says, "ALRIGHT, listen closely. Imma have Spy tell ya what to do." The Frenchman then walks calmly over to his extremely educated friend, and then leans into the microphone attached to the radio, "Scout, you vill need to place zhe sapper onto zhe main control panel. Do you see zhe main control panel?" He receives a calmer, "yeah…" which is filled with a lot of breathing. The Spy's eyes narrow. The Lightspeed has quite the aftereffect. He then says, "You vill see an outline, which you vill place zhe sapper upon. Are ve clear, boy?" He receives a less breathy, "I got it, I got it." Then he hears the sound of electricity, and then says, "Now, you vill have to die with zhem. Don't worry, you vill respawn here. I theorize zhat zhe vill respawn back at 2fort, and vill need another form of transportation. See you in zhe respawn room, little virgin." Then he looked over to the enemy bridge, and they all tried to cross, only to be mowed down by the Heavy's and the sentry's heavy line of fire. Then they heard a loud groaning and creaking. They all looked to the engine room, where the RED Scout was trying to bash open the window. Then the BLU Convoy went off course, colliding with a large stone, and erupting in a huge flame, with the Soldier playing his Buff Banner to honor the enemy. He then salutes them, and walks off. The RED team reports to the respawn room, and all of them smile as the Scout reappears, grinning from ear to ear, "DID YOU SEE DAT? I SHUT OFF DAT DAMN CONVOY! ME! No other class is gonna do dat!" Then he began to flex his muscles, while the whole team began to party over another victory.

**Later, into the night…**

The Scout began to tuck Madison in for the night, when the Administrator called them, "RED TEAM! FALL IN!" He rushed to the communication screen, and he saluted, as well as the others, "RED TEAM, REPORTING FOR DUTY MA'M!" The Administrator was pleased, and it showed on her face, "I am impressed with your creativity, and for that, I have the utmost… _pleasure_ of giving you the news that you all will receive a significant pay raise." She also was ticked; because that meant that she'd be putting more of HER precious money into THEIR wallets. The team danced around, and then they heard the sound that officially meant that they were screwed, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" The Administrator had a look of utter shock that the team would have laughed at had it not been for the fact that they were in deep dodo. The Administrator asked, "What was THAT? Was it my imagination, or was that a baby crying? And I DON'T have one, REDs." The RED team bowed their heads in defeat, with the Soldier saying, "Medic, get Madison." The Medic only tipped his head in reply, and walked off, returning with a small child in tow. The Administrator then bore the following emotions in exact sequence: confusion, anger, deep thought, and wrathful happiness. She then said, "I think we can come to an agreement?"


	5. Mission 5: Big Bang

RED's Tiny Big Problem

Mission 1: Mannly fight, woMannly problem.

**WAZAAAAAAAAP? Here's my newest story, RED's Tiny Big problem. This is going to be my first NONE crossover story. Apparently, I have a thing for crossover. I dunno, you tell me. DISCLAIMER, PYRO!**

**Pyro: Huh Huddah how huh humph! *This author owns nothing. Otherwise, there'd be no author and instead a director.***

**Lotta words, for a few noises. ONWAAAAAAAAARD!**

"Mission begins in thirty seconds." The woman that always annoyed everyone and commanded them at the same time stated. A large, bald, and fat Russian man with a minigun rolled his eyes, knowing that there were only thirty seconds left. It was on the clock RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM! This was Heavy, the tallest member of the RED team. He was supposed to be the guy who draws enemy fire whilst his good friend, the Medic, would heal him. While that happened, he would mow them all down, the little cowards. The Medic in question was a small and somewhat frail German man who wore thin glasses, with his Medigun, which would fire a laser that healed people (?). He adjusted his glasses, visibly nervous. Then, a loud belch ruined the whole moment. He turned and faced the Demoman, a Scottish/African man who was missing an eye, and was armed with multiple bombs on his chest. Not a good idea at all, if you ask me. But he's normally too drunk to care about what other people think. Then another voice yelled, "Yo, Cyclops! That's disgusting!" That was the Scout, who was a kid, plucked from the streets of New York, complete with an accent and attitude. "Ah gotta agree with lil' Speedy thar. Demo, that's just disgusting. Didn't yer momma ever teach you any manners?" The Demo momentarily glared, then rolled his eye, and continued to drink. The person who questioned his mother's level of etiquette was Engineer, a good ol' Southern, friendly kind of guy. He, as the title implied, built devices that played a more defensive role, sentries and dispensers. Get yer head out of the gutter. Then, a tall, thin Frenchman with a mask on, revealing only his dark, chocolate eyes and nose just stated, in a voice like that of a snake's "Gentlemen, you're wasting your breath with that one. It would be like telling Pyro to stop lighting stuff on fire." That idea chilled them to the bone. Pyro was the guy who had one solution to life, "How Hud Huda Huddah How Huh!" that translates to something like this, "Burn EVERYTHING WITHIN THIS PATHETIC WORLD!" To tell him not to burn would be… a death sentence.

They sat there for the remaining time, just waiting for the match to start. Then the announcer proclaimed for them to begin the match, "Begin Mission." They all ran out, roaring their heads off in an effort to scare the opponent. They were all in costumes, to help enhance the fear, as best they could. The Pyro had his demonic set on, the Blazing Bull, a set of false horns over his eye sockets on his gas mask, the Tail from the Crypt, a tail which hangs from his oxygen tank, followed by the Fallen Angel, a set of wings on his back. Next, his melee weapon was the Sharpened Volcano Fragment, a, well, sharpened volcano fragment turned into an axe head. Then his primary was the Backburner, which had a menacing demon head drawn, quite accurately, onto the head of the weapon. His secondary was the Scorch Shot, from his Meet the Pyro video. You know, when he shot Scout in the forehead. Speaking of which, when he becomes… **that thing**, it's merely a randomized mental disorder due to a childhood brain injury. Yeah, that's what I think. The Spy quickly shakes his hand in front of his friend to make sure he's… you know… 'There'. When the Pyro gives him thumbs up, the Spy gives a sigh of relief. Then the Spy grins beneath his mask and hat, Le Party Phantom. Then he ejects his melee weapon, a hidden blade based upon the Assassin's Creed series' trademark weapon. Here it's called the Sharp Dresser. Then he looks at his revolver, the Diamondback, and then he checks his disguises, then halts in place, turns around, and hides in the spawn room, and plays Angry Birds on his disguise kit, which doubles as a cigarette holder. Then the Announcer yells, "GET OUT THERE, SPY!" He jumps, startled, and then runs out of the door.

As the Frenchman runs away, the Soldier, an American patriot with some SERIOUS History issues, laughs. Currently, he's using as his primary the Cow Mangler 5000, which can fire a charged laser that sets things on fire. The Pyro approves. Then, upon thinking for a moment, he takes out his secondary, the Reserve shooter, which takes out airborne targets REALLY easy. He checks to make sure it has full ammunition, and then goes to his melee, the Disciplinary Action, and then whips the Spy in the toushie as he walks by, "Move faster, Frenchie!" Then they both move about 40% faster than before, and switch to their primary weapons. The Soldier tilts up his hat, the Conquistador, so he could see the slaughterhouse he was approaching. The Sniper was pinned down from the BLU team's Heavy fire, so he couldn't provide support to Scout who was hit in the leg by the BLU spy's Ambassador. The Spy approached the RED Scout, and as he begged, "No, please! Don't do it, man! Please don't!" The Spy leaned down and whispered, "I'll make sure your mother won't mourn for long." Then he raises his Spy-cicle, he yells, "AUGH!" and the RED Heavy raises him in the air, and throws him into the ground, and cracks his skull on the concrete. Then the BLU Spy cowers while grasping his damaged cranium. The Heavy pulls out his secondary, the Family Business, and aims at the Spy's head, "I'll make sure your hundreds of girlfriends won't mourn you long." Then he fires, ripping open the Spy's skull, and the blood splatters onto the Heavy's hat, the Dragonborn helmet. He took it off momentarily, and wiped the blood from the horns, and shoves it back on his head. Then the Medic asks, "Did you really mean zhat?" Then Heavy looks at his friend, and says, "Niet. Does it look like Heavy has time for large quantity of women? NO!" The Medic flinches, causing his pet pigeon, Archimedes, to fly off, back to the RED barracks, so that it can feast upon Heavy's spare sandviches. The Heavy then puts his hand on the Medic's head, and adjusts his hat, the Otolaryngologist's mirror. I don't know how to pronounce it either. Then Heavy whoops out his primary, Sasha, his pride and joy, and begins firing away at the 'tiny babies' that dare stand before him.

The Scout, in the meantime, had the Medic put his ankle back into working shape, and then ran of, using his primary, the Force-A-Nature, to pluck at the rivaling Medic's health. He pulled out his melee, the Sandman, and threw the baseball that accompanied it, at the Heavy that was about to attack him. The stunned Heavy lurched back, groaning and grasping his struck and disorientated head. The BLU Medic's eyes went wide in terror, "Oh no." The BLU Heavy swung his arm, and struck the Medic into a steel crate, leaving a Medic-shaped hole in the wall. Using the cease-fire as an opportunity, the RED Sniper got up, raised his sniper rifle primary, the Machina, which can pierce multiple targets, and traced the Heavy, muttering, "Steady, steady…" Then he fired, hitting both the Heavy and the unconscious Medic. When the Heavy dropped, and the Medic was still in one piece, albeit bleeding from a shoulder wound, Sniper growled, and before he could take a second shot, his Razorback, which protected him from a Spy's backstab, went off. He turned around and stabbed the Spy in the stomach with his Bushwacka, which he had taken the liberty of nicknaming, 'The # 1 Bushwacka'. Then, while the Spy staggered back, the Sniper pulled out his rifle, and fired into the Spy's brain. The blood splattered, with the Sniper muttering, "You got blood on me hat." The hat in question was his Trophy Belt, which was pretty much his regular hat, with a small ring of crocodile teeth he himself had been given by his idol, Saxton Hale. The Sniper shook his head, and dismissed those thoughts, and got back to business. He quickly walked down towards the spawn room to get another Razorback.

The Engineer, in the meantime, was somewhat more successful than the Australian sharpshooter. He had set up his sentry, dispenser, and teleporter, got them all to level 3, AND found himself a nice, cozy spot to rest. He sat down, and tilted his Texas Ten Gallon over his goggled eyes, and began to whistle a tune that was on his iPod,

_Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Let me know  
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it  
And we start real slow  
You just put your lips together  
And you come real close  
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Here we go_

(Look) I'm betting you like people  
And I'm betting you love creep mode  
And I'm betting you like girls that give love to girls  
And stroke your little ego  
I bet you I'm guilty your honor  
That's just how we live in my genre  
Who in the hell done paved the road wider?  
There's only one flo, and one rida  
I'm a damn shame  
Order more champagne, pull a damn hamstring  
Tryna put it on ya  
Bet your lips spin back around corner  
Slow it down baby take a little longer

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Let me know  
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it  
And we start real slow  
You just put your lips together  
And you come real close  
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Here we go

Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whistle baby, whistle baby  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby  
Whistle baby, whistle baby  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby

It's like everywhere I go  
My whistle ready to blow  
Shawty don't leave a note  
She can get any by the low  
Permission not approved  
It's okay, it's under control  
Show me soprano, 'cause girl you can handle  
Baby we start snagging, you come up in part clothes  
Girl I'm losing wing, my Bugatti the same road  
Show me your perfect pitch, you got it my banjo  
Talented with your lips, like you blew out a candle  
So amusing, now you can make a whistle with the music  
Hope you ain't got no issue, you can do it  
Give me the perfect pitch, ya never lose it

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Let me know  
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it  
And we start real slow  
You just put your lips together  
And you come real close  
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Here we go

Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby  
Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby

Go girl you can twerk it  
Let me see you whistle while you work it  
I'mma lay it back, don't stop it  
'Cause I love it how you drop it, drop it, drop it on me  
Now, shawty let that whistle blow-oh, oh oh  
Yeah, baby let that whistle blow-oh oh!

Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Let me know  
Girl I'm gonna show you how to do it  
And we start real slow  
You just put your lips together  
And you come real close  
Can you blow my whistle baby, whistle baby  
Here we go

Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whi-whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whistle baby, whistle baby,  
Whistle baby, whistle baby

When he was done with the song, he heard the sound of electrocution, and yelled, "SPY SAPPING MA SENTRY!" Then he pulled out his Widowmaker, which requires the metal he uses for building into ammunition, and he aims around nervously for several minutes, and then, when feeling secure enough, pulls out his wrench, and melee weapon, the Jag, and removes the Sapper. When he hears a Spy uncloak behind him, the RED spy taps on his watch three times, a pause, and two more times. The Engineer relaxes. That's the code that he, the Sniper, and the Spy came up with so that they won't attack him when he uncloaks. Then he turns and leans on the dispenser, "What can I do ya fer, Mr. Espionage?" The RED Spy then reports, "I followed the BLU Spy from his spawn to here. Here he is." Then the RED Spy stabs to his right, and on the hidden blade, there is a blue imitation of him. The BLU spy then grins, and then disappears. It was a Dead Ringer. The RED spy mutters, "Damn it." Then he turns towards his friend, "I'm sorry, Engineer. But I have my own work to do. Adios." He then cloaks and disappears. The Engineer grasps his Widowmaker, and looks around, "Confound it all." Then he calms down, sits down, and then leaps up, striking the BLU Spy, who was going to sap his dispenser. He then whoops out the Jag, and cracks open the BLU Spy's skull. For the second time that day, the BLU Spy is dead.

The Demoman and Soldier were on a killing spree in the meantime. They were blowing up everything they could get their hands on. Then when the BLU Pyro was about to ambush them, but before he could, the Demoman dropped his bottle, which contained alcohol. Which is flammable. The BLU Pyro realized how low he held his flamethrower, "Hoh, huh." Translation, "Oh, fuck." Then the BLU Pyro ran right past the two, ignited by his own flames, causing the two masters of explosions to laugh and then stop and blow him up. Then the Soldier whipped the Demoman in the head, "Come on. We've gotta get that intelligence." Then the Scottish Cyclops realized WHY they were there, and yes. He had forgotten why he was blowing stuff up. He forgot why they were there, and then just ran. He then saw the BLU Scout approaching, and picked up his 'bottle o' scrumpy' and ran at full speed, the Soldier following closely. The Demoman then swung his bottle at the Scout, knocking him up like he was on an operating table, right in front of the Soldier, who aimed the Reserve Shooter at BLU Scout's back, and blew him up. Then he walked away, high-fiving his friend and demolition rival.

The Pyro had suffered a head injury, courtesy of a Jarate bottle from the enemy Sniper. See, the thing is this: If the Pyro suffers head damage, he becomes… **the monster**. He then looked, and everything was all kittens and rainbows. Literally. He saw the Sniper as a little cupid baby creature, and upon seeing it in distress stuck in a tree (he saw the Sniper looking in awe at the monster Pyro had become, and was hiding in a sniping tower). Then he climbed the tree, trying to retrieve the Sniper-baby (Was climbing the tower, going to kill the creature). When he got up to the branch, he grabbed the creature, and freed it from the tree, letting it fly. It fell down (He threw BLU Sniper out of the window). When he jumped down, he landed and held a milk bottle high in the air (He landed upon the Sniper's back, likely breaking it, and held up his Scorch Shot, and aiming it at the Sniper). Then he fed the little thing, and it smiled, and flew off (He shoved the gun in the Sniper's mouth, and fired, igniting the BLU Sniper's head). Then the Pyro walked off, to spread more joy and happiness (bring pain and misery to all that stand before him).

The Spy had set his sights upon the BLU Demoman and Engineer, who had heard the Pyro transform, and they were holed up in the intelligence room. He had positioned himself to pull a Batman. He had disguised himself as the BLU Soldier, so the BLU sentry wouldn't attack him, and then he dropped, using a rope to hold himself, and grabbed the Engineer, and disappeared, in a bungee jumping style. He had his hand over the Engineer's mouth to hide his cries for help. The Texan cried for help, and begged for the masked man to not hurt him. But his pleas fell on deaf ears. The Spy raised his blade, and then plunged it into the Engineer's throat, disfiguring his corpse. He then dropped the corpse on a rope, cloaked, and went off to who knows where. When Demoman saw his friend's mouth shaped like…well… what should only be seen in the bedroom, he panicked. The Spy was near, and he hid himself, aiming his Loch-n-Load around randomly, hoping nothing would find him. Then the BLU Engineer ran in, having respawned, and was panting, apparently running VERY fast from having to get to the intelligence room. When the Demo approached him, he knew it had to be a Spy. He hit him over the head with a frying pan, and while Engineer was on the ground, Demoman slapped himself. Then he heard a voice whisper, "Don't hit yourself. I'll do it for you." Then he felt a sharp pain as the surprisingly strong Spy lifted the Demoman at least an inch off of the ground, his Sharp Dresser going straight through the Demoman's intoxicated liver. Then the Engineer had little time to react, he did a side roll, dodging the blade of the Spy, and then he yelled, "SPY SAPPING MA EVERYTHING!" The Spy's reflexes were great enough to expertly sap the entire of Engineer's devices. Then he used the Diamondback's ability to get automatic crits from sapping Engineer devices to quickly dispatch the Engineer, three shots. One to the arm that was about to fire his Lugermorph, two to the leg of the Engineer as he tried to run. The third was point-blank, to the Engineer's brain, with the BLU intelligence upon the firer's back. The Spy dropped the cigar he was smoking, pulled out his disguise kit, and quickly fired off a Red bird in Angry Birds, then pulled out another cigar. He hid himself as RED Pyro to make the enemy want to run, giving him a chance to live longer. He calmly walked out, his Diamondback hidden as the RED Pyro's Scorch Shot. When the BLU Sniper saw the RED menace emerging from the building, he exclaimed, "Oh, FUCK ME!" Despite his insistence upon civility. He jumped out of the tower, into the pool that was nearby. The real Pyro walked right on by, and saw it as BLU Sniper-baby drowning. Naturally, he had to help. He swam into the water, and gave it a glow stick, and the baby floated upwards (dug the Sharpened Volcano Fragment into the Sniper's shoulder, and the body drifted to the surface). Then, he and Spy walked away to turn in the intelligence, and claim victory.

**Later, when the match was declared over, and the intelligence was turned in…**

The REDs were partying hard. They had been on a violent win streak due to the Pyro's… issues. Demoman was… you already know by now. Pyro was playing a mean heavy metal guitar, and he was using Engineer's good guitar. The Texan in question was dancing a jig that Demoman had taught him, during his rare moments of sobriety. The Heavy was using a video chat, and was having a nice, quiet chat with his family back in his mountain mansion in Russia. As it turns out, Heavy just know very little English, but is VERY intelligent, despite what others say. When they do call him stupid, they see the wrong end of Sasha. Meanwhile, the Soldier was swinging his rocket launcher around in a very strict format, which kinda ruined the point of 'party'. The Medic was 'dancing' with Archimedes. By dancing, I mean swinging his finger up and down while the bird is on it, and saying things in German that clearly meant he was happy. The Scout had drunk a whole package of his favorite drink, Bonk! Atomic Punch, and was running on the walls, half naked. The Spy rolled his eyes, and held out his hand, which clothes lined the Scout. Then the Scout went sugar low, and passed out. "About time that boy shut up- Wait a minute, guys. GUYS!" They all stopped what they were doing, and heard a small noise. It was long, and high-pitched. It also was severely familiar, though none of them could put their fingers on it. They followed the sound, and found a crate that was rocking back and forth. The Soldier had SOMEHOW gotten his hands on his shovel, even though weapons were locked down every night. Medic then slowly opened the crate, and found that, underneath the wrappings from the box of Soldier's Cow Mangler 5000, which had arrived that morning, were MOVING. The Medic cautiously moved the wrapping aside, and then everyone gasped. Beneath the wrappings, underneath a 40-something pound laser bazooka, was a baby. The Medic then looked at his crewmates, and said one sentence, "Vwe are fucked."

**My baby cousin gave me this idea when I was thinking of something Team Fortress 2 for this story, then I saw her and it hit me. We throw a baby into the RED team. Well, see ya. CIAO!**


End file.
